Frozen_In_Time Nutang Journal

I feel better today... I think the funk is gone, at least for a bit... I will take advantage of the good mood by meeting the new minister at The Faith Church in New Milford CT. Then I meet and get set up with a case manager on friday, and oops - wednesday i see my probation officer... I have 12 days clean. And right now, I have no desire to use, or even talk to anybody who uses, or parties...

The People I used to talk on the net to daily, we would get out our webcams and get high together... basically it was like being in the same room with them, except they weren't close enough to you - to steal your shit when you weren't looking...

a friend, a guy I care about, we have been talking online for over 1 year... he is getting married soon, but she knows about me and our conversations and said it doesn't bother her at all... but he promised he would treat me to a weekend of getting high, and being with him before he got married... and he has been IM'ing the old nickname like crazy... but I don't want to talk to him.

I love him, I am not in love with him - but he can absolutely without a doubt talk me into coming up where he lives, and smoking all weekend... and well I just don't want to do that anymore.

All expenses paid, and still I don't want to go... if we could lose the crack and just be with each other i would go in heartbeat... but he's an addict, if it isn't crack, it's pot, if it isn't pot, it's pills... crush them, snort them... drinking coors with it... I can't see him giving up the drugs for a date with me...

I made him promise that he would never let his gf/soon2be wife smoke crack.... he says he won't... but he is a sweet-talker and soon she will be addicted to crack... and then whatever marriage they thought they were gonna have, is gonna shit the bucket.

I know from past experience... and this is completely true... I would never give anyone who wasn't already an addict a hit. If I was hanging out somewhere, and teenagers showed up... i gathered my stuff together and got the fuck out of there...

I refuse to help anyone become addicted to a drug they will probably never stop using... and will probably die from.

I used to be giving... just like the last time I used... I got tired of the nickpicking of the other users, I am used to smoking alone... that I just gave me rocks away, and walked out the door.... haven't touched it since.

No I am better then that... Oh sure I am big, larger then life it seems, since I quit doing drugs basically back in January to now, I gained 60 lbs... that's the downfall to abstinence... I used to go 3-4 days with no sleep and no food... so it kept my weight down to a fairly normal level... now I am bigger then I have been before... I don't see a way out of it...

I am praying they take me on State Welfare, and then allow me to gastric bypass surgery... I am over 130 lbs overweight... I need all the help I can get.

Life you take the good with the bad... but like I said in previous posts, I truly believe that when the devil closes a door on you, God will prop one open so you see it, and come in from the rain.

As we wander aimlessly through life, we often have to make very strong and mindful decisions... in the past, I didn't make the decisions - I just followed the leader... Well I am a leader now, and if you want sobriety as badly as I do... get in line and together we will get free of drugs, disease, and stinkin' thinkin'... We don't need meetings, at least I don't... they just encouraged me to use, to see if I could get away with using and going to meetings... that's just dumb.

No I can do it... If I slip, I will get right back up... I will not give up if I should falter in my food steps... that's what usually happens when someone relapses...

They figure well I fucked up 8 months of clean time, so i may as well go with gusto on a binge to end all binges... days and days or weeks, or months - before they decide that abstinence and sobriety is truly the right answer.

I don't do that... when I fall... I get up, dust myself off... and go clean from that day forward... so i consider myself clean 8 months with 3 relapses of a day at a time. We are only as good as our word... and my words are pronounced in everyday life... Sobriety is the way to go.